[Linux4christians] Thanksgiving

[l4c]

Happy Thanksgiving!

Dear Family & Friends,
I know that you were eager to accept our family's invitation to Thanksgiving
dinner when you found out that the famous Martha Stewart would be 
joining us. However, due to scheduling conflicts beyond her control, Ms. 
Stewart finds that she is unable to grace our table this year. With that 
in mind, there will be a few minor changes regarding the meal and decor, 
as outlined below. Please be aware of them, and adjust your appetite and 
dress appropriately.

Thank you.

1)Our driveway will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. 
After several trial runs and two visits from the fire department, it was 
decided that, no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks 
do not have the desired welcoming effect.

2)Once inside, please note that the entry space will not be decorated 
with swags of Indian corn and fall foliage. Instead, we included our dog 
in decorating by having him track in colorful autumn leaves from the 
back yard. The mud was his idea.

3)The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy 
China, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match 
and everyone will get a fork. Since this is Thanksgiving, we will 
refrain from using the paper Sponge Bob dinner plates, the leftover 
Halloween napkins, and our plastic cup collection.

4)Our centerpiece will not be a tower of fresh fruit and flowers. 
Instead we will be proudly displaying a hedgehog-like decoration 
hand-crafted from the finest construction paper and pine cones. The 
artist assures me it is a turkey, albeit one without wings, legs, or a beak.

5)We will be dining somewhat later than planned. However, our daughter 
will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure she will be happy to share 
every choice comment her mother made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, 
stuffing choices, the turkey hotline, and, especially, her husband. 
Please remember that most of these comments were made at 7:00AM upon 
discovering that said husband had only remembered to pull the turkey 
from the freezer at 6:00 AM, and that the thing was still hard enough to 
cut diamonds.

6)As an accompaniment to our daughter's recital of these events, I will 
play a recording of Native American tribal drumming. Curiously, the 
tribal drumming sounds a great deal like a frozen turkey in a clothes 
dryer, but that only enhances the holiday appropriateness. If our 
daughter should mention that we don't own a recording of Native American 
tribal drumming, ignore her. She's only nine; what does she know?

7)A dainty silver bell will not be rung to announce the start of our 
feast. We have chosen to keep our traditional method of assembling when 
the smoke alarm goes off.

8)There will be no formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm 
sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the 
spirit of harmony, we will ask all the children to sit at a separate 
table. In a separate room. Next door. And I would like to take this 
opportunity to remind our younger diners that "passing the rolls" is 
neither a football play nor an excuse to bean your cousin in the head 
with bread.

9)The turkey will not be carved at the table. I know you have seen the 
Norman Rockwell image of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd 
of appreciative onlookers. Such a scene may occur somewhere in America , 
but it won't be happening at our dinner table. For safety reasons, the 
turkey will be carved in the kitchen at a private ceremony. I stress 
"private", meaning Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to 
laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children, or older, helpful 
grandparents into the kitchen
to check on my progress. I have a very large, very sharp knife. The 
turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win the 
battle. When I do, we will eat.

10)For the duration of the meal, we will refer to the gravy by its 
lesser-known name: Kraft Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you 
regarding the origins or makeup of the Kraft Cheese Sauce, smile kindly 
and say that you know the answer, but it's a secret that can't be 
revealed to them until they are 18.

11)Instead of offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, 
we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped 
cream and dog tongue marks. You still have a choice: take it or leave it.

That concludes our list of alterations.
Again, I apologize that Martha will not be joining us this year.

-- 
-Linc Fessenden

In the Beginning there was nothing, which exploded - Yeah right...